Roster (Parts 1-5)

Part 1

CRASH!

“YO NAOMI! WHAT THE FUCK?”

Tez’s voice went up about five octaves as he dodged my anger that came out in the form of me chunking the vase of beautiful pink roses I bought myself, pretending they were from him. I hurled the vase in his direction, sending glass, water, and flowers flying all over our apartment. The mess was befitting because that’s what our relationship was now…a hot damn mess.

“I’LL TELL YOU WHAT THE FUCK, TEZ! YOU’RE A FUICKING LIAR, THAT’S WHAT THE FUCK!” I screamed.

He waved me off and started towards the door again. “You’re tripping! I ain’t lied about shit! Let me guess…Kita done filled your head with some bullshit. I’ve told you about listening to your single friends. I ain’t got time for that insecure shit!”

“Kita ain’t tell me shit, your bitch did!” I winced at him calling me insecure because if I was insecure, he made me this way. I opened my phone to the screenshots I already had cued up. I even created an album just for these messages.

“Nah, baby I told you we ain’t even together no mo’. We’re practically roommates. She asked if she could stay til the end of the month and you know I ain’t no grimy nigga so yeah, she’s still here.”

Tez stared at me, the shock of hearing his words out loud seemed to stun him.

“Man, she don’t cook, clean, nothing. I do everything around here. But I’m sick of her freeloading ass.”

“Do I need to continue?” I questioned. Reading his lies for the umpteenth time still made my blood boil. The audacity of him to tell these lies knowing damn well he couldn’t boil water and wouldn’t know a mop if it hit him in the head.

“Oh, here’s my personal favorite.” I scrolled to get to the screenshot that brought tears to my eyes.

“You think a nigga like me would take a hoe like her serious? Come on, I thought you knew me better than that, baby! What I look like dealing with a fat bitch?”

My tears returned, just like they did when those words reached my heart the first time. Whoever said sticks and stone may break bones, but words will never hurt was a muthafuckin’ lie. Reading those messages hurt me worse than any physical hurt I ever experienced.

“Yo, Naomi, baby, listen. I just-“

“NO!” I shouted, not caring if our neighbors had their popcorn out listening to our argument. “I am not your baby; I’m a fat bitch remember? Even if you didn’t mean it, you were comfortable with telling lies to get some ass. And if you want her, then go be with her. You don’t have to explain shit to me.”

“Nah, I ain’t going out like that. You need to listen. It’s not what you think it is!”

I cackled loudly even though the situation wasn’t funny by any stretch of the imagination. I wanted to hear him try to explain this away. “What was it then?”

“It was just-it’s…she was just…it’s…” Tez stumbled over his words, struggling to come up with something that sounded halfway believable. He couldn’t feed me bullshit this time. “Alright look, I’m gonna be honest with you. She ain’t mean shit to me. I promise. She was just…there. You know I was going through a lot and-“

“Baby,” I interrupted, unable to stomach the sound of his voice selling me another lie. “I don’t know why a nigga ain’t wifed you up yet, but I’m trying to be the nigga to put a rock on your hand.”

I closed out my screenshot album and slid my phone into my back pocket. That was the message that took me from tears to rage.

 Three, almost four years of my life were wasted on Vontez Simmons. In that time, he shot down every single conversation about marriage I started. He gave me all the bullshit lines…I’m not ready…what’s wrong with our life now…just give me time to get my money right…but this chick? This chick he’d been fucking for the past few months, he was ready to propose to her?

I was the one holding him down when he was in between jobs, supported his hustles until he finished the welding program at Albany Tech, and started making more money than he ever has. It was me who washed his clothes, cooked damn near every night, sexed him even when I didn’t feel like it, doing any and everything he wanted but she was the one he wanted to wife?

“You know…as much as I want to blame you, this shit is all on me,” I surmised. Tez’s eyes rose to meet mine. I saw a glimmer of hope that I was going to let this go and take him back like I’d done every time before. “You showed me you weren’t shit and I believed that if I just loved you enough, you’d see you didn’t need anyone but me. It’s my fault for taking you back. But I’m done with all that.”

“Nay, baby, wait, let me just-“

Hearing him call me baby incensed me. I looked around for something to throw and my eyes landed on a coffee mug, my favorite. I picked it up and hurled it in his direction. I missed with the vase, but the cup hit him in the chest before crashing on the floor. He yelped, not from pain, but from surprise. One of our inside jokes was that I couldn’t throw to save my life and had this been any other situation, we probably would have laughed that I actually hit what I was aiming for.

“I’m gonna let you calm down 'cause you ain’t gonna keep throwing shit at me!”

Tez made a beeline for the door, slamming it on his way out. With him gone, I was both relieved and hurt. I felt lighter but confused. I wanted him to stay gone, but I wanted him to come back and fight for me.

Absently, I dropped down on the sofa, feeling like I weighed a million pounds. And apparently, Tez thought that’s how much I weighed when he called me a fat bitch. I wasn’t the smallest woman in the world; I don’t think I ever wore a size two. But Tez said he loved my curves. Some days I felt like I needed to lose weight, but my man assured me all my weight was in the right places. Before I found out what he was saying about me, I didn’t think he cared that all of my clothes came from the plus section.

Tez always complimented me on the way my jeans fit, the way my ass swayed in a sundress, the way my thighs looked in a pair of shorts. I was battling with which Tez I was supposed to believe: the one who said he loved me or the one who fat-shamed me to get some ass.

I shook my head because it wasn’t even a question. There was no way this man loved me. I turned down plenty of advances from men and a few women, too. I had my head on straight, working as an assistant at a marketing consulting firm while going to school for business. I didn’t run the streets, only going out for special occasions. I made sure our house stayed clean, I made sure he ate good, tried to make his life easier. I had a lot of good, no great qualities, none of which made Tez want to be with me or marry me. At this point, I doubted if the man ever loved me, much less liked me.

After everything I’ve done for him, he gave me his ass to kiss.

 My tears were threatening to return and I was tired of crying over Tez. My best friend Kita was the only person who could help me navigate this hurt.

Before Tez, there was Kita. We met at Dillard’s where we both worked until she finished school and left me and retail behind. I missed working with my friend, but I was grateful my current boss took a chance on me, getting me out of the retail rut before I finished college. Making time for each other wasn’t the easiest thing to do, but we made it work.

“Hello?” she answered coolly.

“Well…Tez and I are done,” I mumbled.

There was silence on her end and I thought the call dropped. Finally, she asked what happened.

I launched into my story, telling her all the details and reading the messages from the chick he was cheating on me with. I honestly didn’t need my phone to read the messages. I read them so much, I pretty much had them memorized.

“How did you get the messages?” Kita asked nonchalantly.

“I noticed she liked almost everything he posted so I went to her page, and they seemed a little too friendly. So, I inboxed her and we chatted. She sent me the messages because Tez was telling her we weren’t together. She thought he was single.”

“Oh ok. What are you going to do?”

This time, there was no mistaking that she was not as emotionally invested in my drama. I realized we were a little too old to have a Jazmine Sullivan ‘bust the windows out your car’ moment, but I expected her to be a little more upset.

“It’s already been done. He’s gone.”

“He’s been gone before,” Kita countered.

I frowned at her remark. “Did you hear the messages I read? You think I’d take him back after that?”

Kita exhaled heavily. “You took him back when you thought he had a baby on the way. You took him back when he got arrested for domestic violence at another woman’s house. You took him back when you caught a woman coming out of your house. So yes, there’s a real possibility you’d take him back.”

“Well damn, tell me how you really feel,” I winced, not needing a reminder of all the drama of my relationship. In all the years we’d been friends, Kita has always had my back, she’s nursed me through all the hurt Tez inflicted on me. Her reaction today was different.

“Listen, Nay,” Kita sighed. “I don’t know what you expect from me. The only time you want to talk is when you are talking about Tez’s no-good ass. You let him walk all over you and I am tired, TIRED of having to listen to how he does you wrong. I’m tired of carrying you emotionally only for you to run back to him. This friendship is one-sided; you expect me to be the burden bearer for your toxic relationship and I’m tired of it.”

The more she talked, the more aggravated I became. Whatever was wrong with her must have been major, but she didn’t have to take it out on me. “Kita, you know that’s not true!”

“Oh really? When’s the last time we talked, just chit-chatted about work, clothes, Real Housewives…anything that didn’t have anything to do with Tez? When was the last time we hung out? My mama has been in and out of the hospital for weeks. I have been running off fumes and you’ve been nowhere to be found.”

“Wait, what? What’s going on with your mama?” Kita and her family took me in and her mama was the type of woman I imagined my mama would have been had my daddy not been a belligerent drunk, killing her then himself when I was six.

“Had you answered the phone when I called you, you’d know,” Kita snapped.

I sat on the phone with no excuses, no comeback, no words. I ran through my memories, trying to remember the last time I actually talked to Kita.  Or the last time we hung out. I remembered talking to her about a month ago. I was appalled that I went that long without communicating with her. I was so wrapped up in Tez that I neglected my friend, my only friend, in her time of need. I felt like shit.

“I’m not tripping, you have your priorities and I see where I stand in this friendship. I am sorry you are going through this, but I won’t subject myself to being there for you emotionally when you can’t be there for me. Be well.”

Before I could say anything, not that I had anything I could say, Kita ended the call. I sat in my apartment staring off into nothing. I was single and best friendless; this was not the type of day I anticipated having when I woke up this morning.

I threw my phone on the sofa, leaning my head back on the cushions. I closed my eyes and tried to get my thoughts together, but there was too much happening in my head. Tez cheated on me for the umpteenth time, and Kita said I neglected her as a friend.

While I was heavy from the situation with Tez, I felt worse because of what I did to Kita. Friendships have always been important to me, but when things were good with Tez, I neglected everyone else. Not to mention his history of cheating, I needed to spend all my free time with him. But in trying to be everything to a man who treated me like nothing, I alienated the woman who loved me like a sister.

“UUUGGGHHHH!” I yelled, wiping angry tears from my eyes. Kita was an amazing friend, giving the best advice, giving just because gifts, making me laugh, motivating me when school stressed me out, and being there for me when I had moments of missing my mama. I was the youngest of four; I had two sisters and a brother. After the situation with our parents, our family was in turmoil. There wasn’t a custody fight…no one wanted to take on four more kids so we were all raised by different family members on both sides who did little to maintain our sibling bond. Since I didn’t grow up with my siblings, I wasn’t close to them. Kita was more of a sister to me than my real sisters and I pushed her to the side for Tez.

Trying to be the woman he needed, trying to prove to him I could and would be a submissive wife, praying all my waiting and struggling would result in a ring left me single and embarrassed with no best friend. Just one more reason to say ‘Fuck Tez’.

My thoughts were pulling me down into a shame spiral and I didn’t want to be in that head space. Being in our apartment was stressing me out. We had some good times here, but the bad is what stood out the most. There was not a single place in our home that didn’t remind me of a time he hurt me and treated me like I wasn’t shit. I needed to leave. Not just for a minute, but for good.

I jumped up, rushing to our bedroom, stopping at the second bedroom that moonlighted as storage to get my suitcases. I was normally a neat and organized packer, but between my tears and my anger, I was just throwing my things in. When I ran out of space in my luggage, I got Tez’s suitcases. Technically, they were mine because I bought them.

I started taking things out to my car, lining the luggage in the trunk and some in the backseat. As much as I loved the art, the sofa, and my blender, I left all of that. I only took my necessities. I struggled to get my key off the key ring because I had no fingernails and left it on the counter. I locked the door and stepped outside. Quickly, I closed the door before I could change my mind and convince myself I could make this work.

 My fear of being alone has kept me in this relationship longer than I needed to be and it was time I got over that fear. Honestly, I had no choice; as long as I took Tez back, he would keep disrespecting me and treating me like an option. I may have been his fool for years, but it was never too late to make a better, different choice.

 I didn’t pull off right away. I had a moment of doubt, a voice telling me this was all I was good for, that I didn’t deserve my fairytale ending. I moved with my aunt Shug, my mama’s sister in Albany which was almost a culture shock from living in Dawson my whole life. They were really close and she did not mince words when talking about my dad. And because I was the spitting image of him, I think she resented me. As an adult, relationships and friendships became my comfort. I needed someone to prove they loved me because, after the death of my parents, it felt like I was tolerated, not loved. I held on to Tez because even though he didn’t show me, he told me he loved me and for a while, that was enough. But at my big age of 27, I finally realized love was an action verb and not just words.

 Finally, I backed out of my parking space, leaving my old life with Tez behind. I had no idea where I was heading, but my car was on autopilot leaving out of Albany. I got on Highway 19 and drove north. The further I got from Albany, the harder it got for me to breathe. I was too far to turn around and go back so I pulled off the first exit I came to, Googling the closest hotel I had rewards points I could redeem. The Sleep Inn in McDonough was about 30 minutes away. I made the reservation, plugged the address into my GPS, and got back on the road.  

I got my bag of toiletries and fished some pajamas and clothes out of my luggage. I was emotionally drained and I should have taken a shower and climbed into bed, but I was battling with dealing with my emotions the way I usually did: With food.

Judging by the women in my family, some of my weight was hereditary. But the other reason I was considered obese was that I was an emotional eater. When Tez pissed me off, I ate. When I went down a rabbit hole of thinking about my family, I ate. When my oldest sister Natalie pissed me off with her holier-than-thou attitude, I ate. When I needed to celebrate, I ate. When I completed a tough assignment, I ate. When had a good day at work, I ate. Happy, sad, indifferent…it didn’t matter. Food was my coping mechanism of choice. I fought with myself for about 10 minutes but my willpower faded. This situation deserved the meal I was trying to talk myself out of.  

While dining on my All-Star breakfast with cheese grits, bacon, and cheese eggs scrambled soft at the Waffle House, I was engrossed in creating a game plan. As I ate, I scrolled Indeed, seeing a few jobs that piqued my interest. I thought about the last time I updated my resume and I realized it was two jobs before my current. I closed out Indeed and went to my notes app to start a list of things I needed to do. While updating my resume was pressing, I also needed to secure somewhere to live. My brother Nate lived up this way and it was a good thing for me that he was the one sibling that I talked to so it wouldn’t be so awkward when I asked if I could live with him.

My planning was interrupted by Tez calling. Just the sight of seeing the name Bae lighting up my phone pissed me off. The audacity of him calling like we had something to talk about.

I let the phone ring and he called right back. I was going to ignore that call too, but curiosity won me over. I wanted to hear how he was going to try to get me back.

“Yo, where you at, Nay?”

“Why?”

“Cause where the fuck is all your shit at?” Tez spat.

I rolled my eyes. Rather than stay gone for the night, he came back to our apartment, expecting me to be there. I bet it surprised the hell out of him that me and my stuff were gone.

“With me.”

“Ahight, don’t play. Where the hell are you?”

I sighed and retrieved my Air Pods from their case on my key chain. I popped one in so I could finish eating. “It doesn’t matter. You wanted to be single, go fuck the bitch you were messaging and leave me alone.”

“Man, you tripping!” Tez whined. “Just tell me where you at so we can talk.”

I ate some of my grits, taking my time answering him. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

Tez was quiet on the phone, and I imagined he was trying to come up with something, anything he could say to me to change my mind. He wasn’t used to having to put in effort with me.

“Ahight, look,” he began, sighing deeply. “I know I fucked up. I can admit that. But…I was just talking shit. That’s it. It ain’t nothing going on with me and her.”

“I don’t care. You said what you said.”

“Yo, Nay, don’t do this shit, man. You know I love you, girl. You wanna get married? Ok, we can do that.”

Even though I didn’t mean to, I snorted out a laugh. It wasn’t funny, but it was comical that after almost four years, his marriage proposal was on the heels of me finding out he talked about me like a dog to another woman.  

“Boy, stop playing with me! You did me dirty and I allowed that shit, but I’m done with all that. Keep that weak-ass apology. Everything in the apartment that I didn’t take is yours to keep because I won’t be back. Ain’t no reason for you to call me because I’m off this and I’m off you.”

I disconnected the call and put my phone down on the table. I closed my eyes, not knowing where I got the strength to say what I said. I never thought I’d see the day I’d be done with Tez, but here I was.

“Now that’s how you tell a no-good man off!” My server announced, grinning at me. I forgot I was in a public space and had a little audience. “You gotta let these men know what you will and won’t stand for. Cause if not, they will run hella game on you.”

“I don’t know what that man did,” the male cook chimed in, “but it’s his loss. If you left everything in the house, his ass fucked up real bad. And he don’t need a second chance.”

At the table next to me, two women who looked a little older than me nodded in agreement. “Don’t let these dusty-ass men play in your face, sis. Go live your best life. The best revenge is glowing up and showing his ugly ass what he missed out on.”

“For real, hon,” her friend added. “Take some time to work through the hurt. Then get on your shit. Don’t let anyone take you that low again!”

I teared up at the people who didn’t know me at all but were giving me advice on how to maneuver this hurt from Tez. Who would have thought the Waffle House on Highway 155 in McDonough would come through with the inspirational message I needed to hear to start my healing journey?

While finishing my breakfast, I blocked Tez on every app he could access me on including Cash App. I was not in a position to turn down any money, but I refused to let Tez have any kind of access to me.   

The two women in the next booth paid for my meal, sending me on my way to begin my new Tez-free life. Financially, I’d be good for like a month with no income coming in if my brother let me stay with him. But I needed to find a job quick, fast, and in a hurry.

I was hurting right now, but someday, this moment wouldn’t hold the pain I felt today. I came to the conclusion that who I was with Tez was dead and gone. I’d never be that gullible, that foolish, or that naïve again. I would not lose myself or a friend because of a man again. The hurt that he inflicted on me was going to be my motivator.

Never would I be played like that again.

Part II

1 year later…

“If we move the buffet to this wall, the space will open up. The rest of the design doesn’t need adjustments, but I think that small change will give you a little more room and make the flow better. If people line up on both sides here, there is less obstruction from the rest of the reception,” I explained to Rae and her entourage of her mother, sister, best friend, and future mother-in-law.

“Oh Naomi, that’s a wonderful idea! You are right…it does open up the space better!”

Compared to some of the other brides I’ve worked with, Rae was so easygoing. A lot of brides were concerned about the aesthetics of the wedding, what the pictures would look like, what their guests would think, and what the court of public opinion would decide. Which of course mattered, but not more than the purpose of the wedding, for two people to pledge their lives to each other.

I loved brides like Rae who left the details to the wedding coordinator and focused on the big picture. The wedding I was helping to coordinate this weekend was the complete opposite. In the hour I’d been at the reception venue with Rae and her support system, Sienna called me four times. No matter how many times I told her I had other clients or that calling me multiple times was not necessary, she still did. Her wedding was more for show than love and I was not looking forward to it all.

I was chit-chatting with Rae’s mom about the seating chart. In addition to marrying off her youngest child, she was also plotting to put single people together in the hopes of creating a love match. Rae cared nothing about the people her mama was trying to hook up. She was smiling into her phone, and I imagined she and Derrick were having a private, sexy conversation. It reminded me of my dismal love life. I missed having someone to love. Even though the relationship with Tez was toxic with a capital T, I did miss the moments of companionship, having someone to come home to, to cater to, to love.

An event coordinator with an affinity for weddings was a difficult job for someone who desperately craved love.

After leaving Tez, I searched for jobs, never liking anything that kept me chained to an office. I knew my brother was doing well for himself, but I never imagined he was doing well enough for me to have a basement apartment in his home. We didn’t have to see each other unless we wanted to. It was good to have an opportunity to strengthen our relationship, but my one gripe about my brother was that he refused to settle down. He was closest to me in age and at 31, he was dedicated to the bachelor life. I was not against him remaining single for life, but what I was against was him not being honest with the women he dated. Once or twice I got caught up in the drama because they thought by befriending me, I would tell them who was around when they weren’t, even though I didn’t know what Nate did upstairs. One chick, Amber was cool and we hung out on occasion. Yet, when she and Nate were on the outs, so was I. I wasn’t mad; I figured it was karma for the way I treated Kita.

The one benefit to Amber was her talking me up to her friend Terryn who hired me as her assistant for T. Hendricks Events.

Working for Terryn showed me a hidden talent I didn’t realize I possessed; I was good at putting on amazing events. I was her assistant for about six months when Miranda, her planner who specialized in weddings had a family emergency that took her back to Jamaica and I had to fill in with some projects. With Terryn’s assistance, I learned the ins and outs of putting an event together, working out the details, and bringing my client’s ideas to life. Miranda never made it back to the States so the job was mine permanently. It was brides like Rae that made me love the profession that found me.

On the way back to the office, I called Sienna, and as I suspected, what she deemed an emergency was not. I spent my entire drive from Conyers to Midtown convincing my bride, who was four days away from her wedding, that medium shrimp would be perfectly fine in the salad. Of all the things she could be worried about, this woman blew my phone up about shrimp.

“Were you able to talk Sienna down off the ledge?” my assistant/partner in crime Devon asked, greeting me at the door. If he was waiting for me to pull up, I knew it was because Sienna pissed him off. I was sure he tried to talk her down, but she was a bridezilla to the nth power. Devon was my right hand in every sense of the word. I could not do what I do without him. “I really cannot believe she is going on a tangent about the size of some damn shrimp!”

“Tell me about it,” I sighed. “I talked her down today, but a lot can happen between today and Saturday. I cannot wait for this weekend so she can stop worrying me.” Some brides realized the benefit of having a wedding coordinator was to handle the details. Some brides, like Sienna, were overly invested in the most minute details. I wasn’t even sure why shrimp worried her so much, but it did.

“Have we heard back from the venues for the Abrams wedding?” We moved from the entrance to towards my office. We had a quaint little office space that was mostly storage for the countless items we needed for an event and a meeting space for clients. My office was small but functional. I loved it because my window had a view of the hustle and bustle of Midtown. Sometimes getting lost in the cars and people was what I needed to relax and get my creative juices flowing. I snagged a donut from the snacks from our breakroom that was really our conference room even though I didn’t need it.

“Yes, two have availability for their date, but neither is the one she wants.”

“I’ll do some mockups for the two spaces and see if we can’t get her to go with one of those. She’s holding out for the Magnolia House, but we need to lock down a venue like yesterday. Oh, and we got another complaint about Townsend Limos. Terryn is livid. Let’s see if there are other options just in case.” I sat at my desk, placing my donut on a napkin while Devon sat in the chair facing me.

“Got it. I put a bug in Trina’s ear, but I’ll send an email, too. We’ve had some inquiries…two retirement parties and a Sweet 16 that will be extra and over the top. I don’t get dropping that much money on a Sweet 16, but if these folks want to contribute to my Prada and Gucci habit, I won’t complain.”

I chuckled at Devon because even though it was stereotypical as hell, he was a gay man with an impeccable style. If I went anywhere where I needed to look runway-ready, Devon was my go-to. I hadn’t dressed myself since I met him.

“Speaking of clothes,” Devon continued. “You have dinner with Jerrell tonight. Are you going home to change or…”

Devon’s tone and the blank look on his face told me he did not approve of what I had on.

“What’s wrong with this?” I asked, gesturing down my green wide-leg linen pants and matching blazer over a white cami. It was my royal blue wedges that gave my outfit a bit of flare or so I thought. I thought I was cute.

“Oh, it’s cute, just not date cute. We need to show off that bawdy, Nay,” Devon winked.

I took in his compliment and he was right. After settling into my new life in Atlanta, I joined a gym as a form of stress relief. Losing weight wasn’t my end goal, even though I did. I was healthier, more proportioned, and most importantly, I felt better about myself. My dress size still had two numbers, but mentally, I felt amazing.

“I’m not sure if I’ll have time to change, because-“

“I’ll make you have time,” my assistant interrupted.

“Yeah I bet you will,” I laughed.

Even though Devon was my assistant, he was also someone I would consider a friend. After the way I lost Kita, I worked on being a better person so that I didn’t drag anyone else down. I apologized to her sincerely, but as I suspected the damage was done. I couldn’t go back and change that; all I could do was be better.

Devon and I hit it off on his first day. As a matter of fact, he was the second of my four interviews and I knew I wanted him as my assistant after five minutes. I was looking for a me, the type of assistant I was to Terryn and he was it. His personality was suited for this type of work and he was the most organized person I ever met. Two weeks after he started, we ended up talking about relationships and I told him all about my weakness when it came to Tez. It’s been a year and while I was over him, I could admit that situation still stung.

“I don’t need to change,” I said unenthusiastically. Even though Devon would clear my schedule to make sure I had time to get ready for dinner with Jarrell, I wasn’t looking forward to this date. I wanted to cancel.

“Ok, what’s wrong with Jarrell?” Devon asked, his tone full of frustration and doubt.

“What’s right with him?”

“Girl,” Devon began, his face contorted into disbelief. “You find something wrong with everyone. Everyone!”

“Cause,” I whined, “they all suck!”

I took a little time to get over Tez, then jumped right back out into the dating world. I wasn’t meant to be single; I was wife-material. I just had to wade through these trash ass men to find my husband. There were 50 times more men in the Atlanta/Metro Atlanta area than in Albany, but I seemed to only meet the worse of the worse.

“Girl, your dramatic ass is just picky. Cause name one thing this man does that is a turn-off. You ain’t even known him long enough to know him.”

He wasn’t wrong about that part. I’d only been talking to Jarrell for five or six days. But in that short amount of time, I already knew he wasn’t someone I wanted to deal with exclusively.

“He’s trying to take me to some sushi place. I bet he didn’t even read the reviews. That place looks shady.”

“Did you tell him you’d prefer to go somewhere else?”

“Why do I have to tell him what to do? If he can’t do something as simple as plan a date, what good is he to me?”

Devon stared at me, his eyes a mixture of confusion and pity. I know that look well because he always makes that face when I tell him about my dating woes. His boyish charm disappears and he becomes an old man, a great uncle sharing wisdom with his wayward niece.

“How do you expect a man to know what you want if you don’t tell him? He’s not a mind reader.”

“Checking the reviews should be common sense though.”

Me and Devon stared at each other, neither of us needing to continue this conversation because we’d had it a million times. He was the one to break first.

“You got it, babes. If you want to keep getting the same result, just keep doing the same thing. You find something wrong with everyone because as much as you say you want a man and a relationship, you are scared. And that’s ok. You don’t have to be ready to date. But,” he said standing to leave my office, “you’re wasting your time and theirs if you aren’t going to be honest with yourself.”

With that, Devon blew me a kiss and slipped out of my office back to his desk, leaving me to wrestle with what I already knew: Devon was right; I was not ready. That was evident in all of the disastrous dates I’d been on and all the trash men I’d met.

If truth be told, it was me, not them.

If anything rubbed me the wrong way, if something felt off, if something seemed like a lie, if something sounded too good to be true, I picked it apart, finding fault in any and everything.

It took him too long to text back? He’s not single.

He hasn’t planned a date? He’s broke.

He has more than one baby mama? He’s a man whore.

He misspells words? He’s uneducated.

He has an apostrophe in his name? He’s a mama’s boy.

He has over ten tattoos? He’s been to jail.

He gets pedicures? He’s probably on the down low.

If my relationship with Tez didn’t teach me anything, it’s that I need to be observant and cut bullshit off before I’m still dealing with it years down the road. That was my biggest mistake with Tez…I didn’t check the disrespect soon enough. I wouldn’t make that mistake again.

But…Devon may have had a point. Maybe I was too hasty in cutting these men off. I barely made it a month before finding some reason to end things. It wasn’t a great loss to me because I barely knew these men, but it was draining to have to constantly play 21 questions with different men. I don’t know how many more ‘so what’s your favorite food’ I had left in me.

So far Jarrell hadn’t given me any complaints outside of this sushi spot he wanted to take me to. I decided to take Devon’s advice and tell him I had concerns about this restaurant.

                                    Me: Hey there. You busy?

                                    404-555-5858: At work, but I can take a few minutes. How’s your day?

                                    404-555-5858: Also, looking forward to our date tonight *smiling emoji*

                                    Me: It’s pretty good. A little busy. And about our date…

                                    404-555-5858: Are you canceling? *sad face*

Me: No…I just don’t think I am comfortable with that place. The reviews weren’t that great

404-555-5858: whew gif

404-555-5858: Is there anywhere in particular you want to go? I picked that place because I’ve eaten there before, but it’s been a while so maybe they’ve gone downhill. Plus, it’s closer to you…don’t want you to have to go too far

Me: I know a place, I’ll send the address

404-555-5858: Alright beautiful. I’ll see you later *winking*

I leaned back in my chair, almost amazed at how easy that was. Maybe Devon knows what he’s talking about, I smirked.

******

“You ready, bae?”

I gave myself a once-over in the mirror, enamored with my reflection. My makeup looked flawless on my honey-colored skin, my eyeshadow complimenting my almond eyes. The red lipstick accentuated my full lips and my braids in a top bun showed off my high cheekbones. The weight I’d lost and kept off for the past year looked good on me. Shedding the pounds and Tez’s dead weight has made me more comfortable in my skin. The red halter dress fit me, my curves more toned and proportioned. 

Not only did I look good physically, I was in a much better place than I was a year ago. The move to Atlanta, a job I loved, a better relationship with my brother, and more recently, finding happiness with Jarrell proved that leaving Albany and Tez was my best move.

“Yes, I’m ready,” I said joining Jarrell in the bedroom of our hotel suite. “Don’t you look handsome?”

Jarrell’s red, grey, and black short set clung to his muscular arms and toned legs. Even if I hadn’t met him at the gym, it would be apparent that he worked out. “Just matching your fly, babe.”

Jarrell posed for pictures with me before heading to dinner. Once I stopped nitpicking the men I met, I saw that Jarrell was the type of man I wanted Tez to be. We went on dates and he showered me with gifts, like this baecation to Destin. Tonight was our last night here and I was not looking forward to going back to the real world. For the past two days, we spent time on the beach, talked, ate and drank, and made love. It was a perfect weekend getaway. Jarrell showed me why my relationship with Tez ended the way it did; I appreciated the effort Jarrell put into me and my happiness.

“Thank you for this,” I gushed, seated on the patio at Mimmo’s, an Italian restaurant I picked because of the rave reviews. Even though the inside décor was even more impressive in person than in the pictures online, I wanted to sit outside because why waste any opportunity to experience Destin in September?

“No problem babe. You deserve it after the way you worked for wedding season,” Jarrell gushed, taking a sip of his Jack and Coke.

“I still have one more to go. I can’t wait to see how it turns out.” I was still pretty new to wedding coordinating, but most of my weddings have been the traditional spring/summer weddings. In December, I’d be coordinating my first winter wedding. Georgia winters really didn’t start until January, but the elegant winter wonderland-themed nuptials would capture the essence of the season.

“I know you’ll knock it out of the park, babe. You always do,” Jarrell said, smiling encouragingly.

Having a supportive partner was something I had to get used to. Jarrell was genuinely interested in my profession, letting me rant and vent about my day and sharing my excitement about a successful event. This was one of the few weekends I had free during wedding season and I was ecstatic that Jarrell listened when I said I needed to unwind after months of back-to-back events.

“ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?”

The loud, high-pitched shrill behind me scared me, but not as much as feeling something wet hitting my face. My brain was in shambles trying to figure out what was going on. I smelled Jerrell’s drink on my skin as I dabbed my face with a napkin. I couldn’t piece together why he spit his drink all over me.

“YOU’RE UP HERE CHILLING WITH THIS BITCH WHILE I’M AT HOME TAKING CARE OF OUR FUCKING KIDS?”

My eyes followed the horror on Jarrell’s face to the loud, crying, and very pregnant woman yelling behind me. The other patrons on the patio were staring at us and just like them, I was confused.

“Jarrell, what’s going on?” I asked cautiously, hoping this was just a case of mistaken identity. It wasn’t lost on me that she called me a bitch, but that wasn’t something I needed to address right now.

“Jarrell?” the woman chuckled. “Can’t even tell the truth about your name.”

Jarrell looked like he was in a trance, his eyes fixed on the woman who was now standing beside him, her pregnant belly right in his face. Without warning, she smacked him upside his head. Jarrell just sat there, not reacting.

“Say something, dummy!” the woman commanded. Jarrell huffed and stood, cowering over the woman who was not going to back down. Nervously, I glanced around, seeing all eyes on us.

“Chan, why you gotta do all this?”

“WHY I GOTTA DO ALL THIS?” she yelled, her finger in his face. “You’re on a fucking date and you’re asking me why I’m doing all this? Because you ain’t shit! I can’t believe I married your dumb ass!”

“Married?” I croaked in disbelief. “You’re married?”

Jarrell wore no ring. He answered when I called. He took me on dates. Nothing about this man gave me any indication he was married.

The woman spun around, flashing her ring in my face. “Married for five years and 2.5 kids.”

“And you have kids?” This man told me he was single and had no children. I was flabbergasted.

“Wow!” Chan chortled. “You aren’t just out here making a mockery out of our marriage, but you are telling these hoes you don’t have kids? Like Solomon, Jr. and Saveah aren’t your damn twins?”

I winced at her calling me a hoe, but what was even more pressing was that he lied about everything. Including his name. “Your name is Solomon?”

“Naomi, not now,” Jarrell, or whatever his name was pleaded.

Solomon Jerrell Shelton, Senior,” Chan answered for him since he didn’t want to answer my question.

I stood, locking eyes with Chan who looked like she would cry or commit murder in the next few seconds. “I didn’t know he was married. He told me he was single and had no children. I am so sorry. Had I known, I promise I wouldn’t have given him the time of day.”

What Chan didn’t know was that I was her about a year ago, finding out Tez was lying to that other girl about me. She also didn’t know he was in a relationship and I was grateful she let me know he was being grimy behind my back.

This situation may have been worse because they were married, with kids and she was pregnant. He left his pregnant wife at home with their kids to spend the weekend in Destin with me. I was appalled. I was disgusted. I was hurt. I was embarrassed.

I picked up my glass of wine, throwing the contents in his direction. The red liquid landed on his face and shoulder, some splashing on his wife as well. “My bad,” I apologized, handing her a napkin. “But Jarrell, Solomon, whoever you are…fuck you!”

I searched around for the exit needing to get away from being a spectacle for complete strangers. Outside of the restaurant, it dawned on me that I was essentially stranded. We Ubered over here, but Jarrell drove us to Destin. I was five, almost six hours away from home. Asking anyone to come get me would not only be embarrassing, it would be such a long drive. Reluctantly, I searched for flights to get me out of this hell hole.

*****

“Bitch, I know you are lying! Please tell me you are lying! The bastard is married? With kids?” Devon asked incredulously.

“Married with fucking kids!”

“Chile…Khia said it best. ‘Don’t trust no nigga’. I swear these men ain’t shit out here, you hear me?”

 “That woman could have killed us both, thinking I was a willing side chick.” Being safely back in Atlanta with Jarrell/Solomon blocked on everything, I could breathe a little easier. No one had to tell me that situation could have gone left quickly. I was pissed that he lied to me, but even more pissed that he put me in harm's way and had his very pregnant wife drive almost 6 hours to confront him. I didn’t even know how she knew exactly where we were.

“Girl, I didn’t even think about that!” Devon said, his eyes going wide. “That nigga would have had me in all-black Gucci mourning my bestie! I would have run his ass over for making me put together a funeral ensemble!”

I didn’t mean to laugh, because it wasn’t funny, but Devon was such a drama queen. “Save the all-black Gucci ensemble for something else…ain’t no funerals happening anytime soon. Nothing will be happening at all.”

Devon leaned back on the sofa, his eyes on the ceiling. My brother didn’t come down here often so he didn’t object to me replacing his ugly brown sofa and blue loveseat with a light grey sectional sofa with yellow and blue accent pillows. Just taking out the mismatched furniture changed the space dramatically.

“I’m sorry,” Devon began, not looking in my direction, but with guilt in his voice. “I pushed you to take a chance and it could have ended badly. Worse than it did.”

I patted Devon on his leg. “No blame, friend. I’m an adult and I can make my own decisions.” Devon smiled weakly and I could tell he felt a little responsible for what transpired in Florida.

“How the hell did he hide a wife and kids for four to five months?”

“Honey if you know, I know,” I sighed, mimicking Devon’s posture. I was tense the entire flight and Uber ride home. I took a long, hot shower, but still felt the soreness from my clinched muscles. It wasn’t until Devon came over that I was able to relax, the tension in my neck and head subsiding. Devon’s presence and the joint we smoked on the patio were kicking in.

Devon and I went through my conversations with him, our dates, even when I went to his ‘house’…nothing about our interactions hinted that he was married or had kids. It was pretty sad that he not only denied his wife but his kids as well. We deduced that the apartment he claimed was his was either where he cheated or didn’t belong to him. Either way, he went through a lot to hide his other life.

“Well that’s that,” I announced with finality.

“Nothing to do now but move on. Next time, we need to…”

“There won’t be a next time,” I interrupted.

“What do you mean there won’t be a next time? You joining a convent?”

I giggled at Devon’s question. “Do women still go to convents? Are there nuns in 2022?” I couldn’t imagine a woman giving up her life and the touch of a man to serve God. I didn’t know anyone who had that much willpower, but I was about to be one of them-minus exclusively devoting my life to the service of God.

Devon ignored my question and asked me again what I meant. “I’m just saying…I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“Do what Nay?” Devon asked impatiently. “You don’t want to date men? You wanna be a lesbian? Honey, there’s coochie drama, too.”

“Devon,” I cackled, unable to take him seriously. “No…I mean this. Dating, trying to make a connection, finding my life partner.”

“Basically, you’re about to go through your hoe phase,” Devon surmised.

“Call it what you want,” I shrugged. “But I promise I am not going to go through anything like this again.”

Part III

Even after the debacle with Jarrell, I tried to date, but I was even more distrusting of men and their intentions than ever before. I tried all kinds of things like dating apps, speed dating, and paying for background checks, but it was exhausting. Dating was not worth the stress.

So I chilled out. Or at least I had intentions to chill out. Scrolling on Instagram one day, I came across a video about rotational dating. I never really dated before, because once I meet someone that I like, I put my all into them. And all that got me was a broken heart and meeting men who conveniently left out the fact that they had a wife and kids. I watched countless videos, read through thousands of comments, and decided this was a foolproof way of avoiding hurt and disappointment.

Carlos, Mikhal, and Jamie were my current lineup and I was having a lot of fun. I don’t know why I didn’t do this before. Dating was much more fun when I had more than one person I could talk to and spend time with.

“Devon watch this!”  

Devon and I were taking a breather from preparing for a wedding this evening. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand why the couple were getting married on a Friday. The date had no significance, they weren’t having a destination wedding, and they were flying out to London for their honeymoon on Sunday. The only logical explanation I could come up with was that they wanted to be different. But it wasn’t my place to judge; all I had to do was bring their vision to fruition. The space was now opulent and intimate and ready for their Friday evening nuptials.

Propped on the wall in the back of the venue, I didn’t hesitate to open the TikTok Mikhal sent. I already knew it would be funny before I even watched it, and of course, Mikhal did not disappoint. I don’t know how he always managed to find the funniest videos on social media that made me laugh out loud.

I handed Devon my phone so he could see what caused me to giggle. “Hmmm, cute.”

I rolled my eyes, already knowing this was about to turn into another lecture. “You can laugh Devon, even if you don’t care for Mikhal. It’s just funny, no matter who sent it.”

“It’s not that I don’t like him, it’s just…I don’t understand this rotational dating business.” Devon’s exasperated tone was the same every time we talked about this. “What’s wrong with Carlos? The man wines and dines you, buys you gifts, and he’s stable. What could you possibly need with Mikhal?”

“Carlos has his perks and benefits, but he doesn’t listen to me. And he’s very predictable. On the other hand, Mikhal makes me laugh. And he’s a little rough around the edges. I like how he’s authentically himself.”

“He also has two kids by two different women,” Devon pointed out.

“And he takes care of them beyond the financial. That’s endearing,” I stated. I hadn’t decided if I wanted to have children or not, but Mikhal was a great father. He had a six-year-old daughter, Milani, and a four-year-old son Mikhal, Jr, or MJ. He got them both every other weekend, which he affectionately called 3M time, attended school and extracurricular events, and saw his kids a few days a week. Before we even went on our first date, he told me spending time with his kids was important to him and even if we were going to be just friends, he wanted me to understand his kids were his priority. It was refreshing to see a black man being a father, an active father and not sitting on social media complaining about child support.  

“But Carlos is older, established, he has grown kids and grands, and he’s ex-military. Any money he’s making now is just play money,” Devon explained as if he were president of the Carlos fan club.

“You want me to bypass having kids and go straight to being a grandma? That’s ghetto with a capital G!”

Devon rolled his eyes dramatically even though he knew I was right. “And don’t even get me started on Jamie! I honestly don’t know what you could possibly need with a man like that!”

Jamie was one of the first men I met after I gave up dating for a relationship and started building my roster. He was a really simple, good dude. As long as he had food, ESPN, and movie channels, he was content. He worked 12-hour shifts at a plant and spent some of his off days with me or at his Masonic lodge. He was not someone I wanted a relationship with, but that man could scratch that itch when I needed it. We hung out, talked a few times a week, but we knew exactly what this was: A friends with benefits situation. I added and dropped men from the roster for various reasons, but Jamie has been a constant.

“Girl, you straight women make this dating shit complicated. Meet a man, date that man, get in a relationship, get married, have some kids, and live happily ever after. There is no reason to date three men at once!” Devon may live in what I believed to be the gay capital of the world, but he had no desire to have a roster like me. And he had no reason to since he met Stephen. They were relationship goals because they weren’t just a couple…they were partners. “There is too much going on out here for you to be bussing it down with three different men!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I almost shouted with my hands raised. “I am not bussing it down with three different men!”

Devon twisted his face and I read his ‘yeah right’ expression clearly. “So you say. But ain’t no way you got all these men at your door none of them are getting the goodies.”

I waved Devon off with exaggeration. I hadn’t slept with Makhal and I had a few trysts with Carlos, but Jamie was my constant sex partner. I just wasn’t going to admit that out loud though.

“Anyways…is all of this dating going to lead to a relationship?”

“If it comes to that,” I shrugged, lying. I avoided eye contact and focused my attention on our staff cleaning up and putting the finishing touches on the reception hall instead of Devon. Because if I looked at him, he’d see right through me. I was almost 30 and this was a new experience for me. But I liked having options. Carlos was free with his money, Mikhal made me laugh, and Jamie folded me like a pretzel. Why have one man when I can have three? “May the best man win!”

Devon was quiet for so long, it made me uncomfortable. “So, you’re just going to avoid a serious commitment for the rest of your life?” When I didn’t answer, even with the same answer I’d given him before, that I was not ready for that, Devon snickered and smoothed the tablecloth when he stood. “Ok, Ms. Rotational Dating. Sounds more like avoidance to me. But what do I know?”

Devon left me, giving the room a once over, his eyes resting on me for a second. He knew the luck I had with men in the past, but he didn’t approve of my roster. I went to every table, checking our work so I didn’t have to address his correct assumption of avoidance. Having a roster was the perfect opportunity for me to avoid anything serious or to subject myself to the hurt and pain I experienced with Tez or Jarrell. I can’t count how many times Devon and I have had this conversation in the short time that I’ve been dating multiple men.

Rule number one of rotational dating was to be honest. Everyone knew about each other, but I didn’t disclose who I was sleeping with and condoms were non-negotiable. Carlos didn’t take too well to knowing he was one of three and he was trying to show me he wanted me to himself. Jamie didn’t seem phased when I told him I was dating other men and Mikhal seemed shocked that I admitted it to him. But all three of them are still around so I counted that as a win.

This took some getting used to, having to tell different men about my day, remembering details of our conversation, being strategic in when I saw who and when. I believed dating was meant to be fun, carefree, easygoing. I didn’t mind simple coffee dates because I was able to weed out men who got all of their dating advice from Podcast Bros. There was no way a grown man believed I’d submit to him and stop getting my hair and nails done because he couldn’t afford the frequency I went to the salon.

Dating was maddening but having more than one man relieved pressure and helped me to slow down to get to know someone. This current roster of Carlos, Jamie, and Mikhal has been my best roster so far. They were all different and dating three men was fun.

Carlos was rigid, lived by a schedule, and wasn’t spontaneous. He brought consistency to my dating life, but he wasn’t as fun as Jamie and Mikhal. Carlos’ pursuit of me came out in the form of him trying to show me money was no object. In the two months since we’d been dating, he didn’t understand his money didn’t impress me. I dropped hints and even told him directly, but it never seemed to register with him.  

 “So, no chance of a getaway anytime soon?” Carlos asked over dinner at Bacchanalia. I didn’t need Michelin star-esq restaurants, but that’s where we ended up more often than not. The fine dining experience was ok once or twice, but it wasn’t my vibe.

“No,” I smiled, trying to mask my annoyance. “Wedding season, remember?” One of the biggest gripes I had about Carlos was that he didn’t listen. I didn’t know if he truly didn’t listen or if he just didn’t believe what I said. Either way, it irritated me.

“I don’t get why you book back-to-back. You need to give yourself some time in between to do other things,” he reasoned. He sounded like a father, or what I imagined a father would say since I didn’t have one.

“If I don’t book, I don’t eat,” I replied flatly. I wasn’t a true entrepreneur in that it wasn’t my business, but I was building my clientele through the events I did. Terryn’s best piece of advice was to build a relationship and you’d have a client for life. From one event, she opens the door to cater to every event a family has from weddings to baby showers to retirement parties to sweet 16s to family reunions and company banquets. I was still new to the game so I was slowly but surely building connections.

“You know that doesn’t have to be your life,” Carlos smiled. He was a handsome man, mid 40s, brown skin, and a nice smile that I was sure was helped with braces when he was younger. But his physical attributes didn’t make up for his archaic ‘I’m the man, my woman doesn’t have to work’ mindset. He didn’t understand I didn’t want a man to take care of me. A week after our first date, he sent me a Versace link and told me to pick out a purse. I liked nice things but I could not fathom spending that kind of money on a bag. If he paid attention to me, which he did not, he would have realized I favored Kurt Geiger and Kate Spade. I didn’t want or need him to buy me expensive things.  

I gave him a quick, but fake smile and resumed my meal. He either didn’t notice my reaction or didn’t care and asked about my food.

“It’s pretty good,” I admitted. The menu said it was dry-aged and while it was good, I wasn’t really in the mood for steak. I would have preferred greasy Popeye’s chicken, even if I didn’t need it.

“Just pretty good, huh?” Carlos replied, his face and his tone holding the same disdain. “This is one of the most exclusive restaurants in the city.”

There was a time in my life when I would keep how I felt to myself. But working in the event planning industry, I learned how to say what I needed without being mean or rude. But right now, I wasn’t sure I could play nice with him.

“I can see why it’s so exclusive, but as I have told you a few times, I don’t need all this exclusiveness. If you want to take me out, you can. But you don’t have to spend this much on dinner.”

 “Well excuse me for trying to do something nice for you,” he mumbled.

Oh boy, here we go, I thought. I put down my eating utensils and placed my hand on top of his, trying to soften the blow. “Nice isn’t about the amount of money you spend; it’s the quality of the time.”

He withdrew his hand, narrowing his eyes at me. “So you’re saying you’re not having a good time?”

“That’s not what I said,” I exhaled. “All I’m saying is everything doesn’t have to be about spending money like this. I enjoy museums, movies, live music, good drinks, a chill, fun vibe. Or even something adventurous like axe throwing. All we ever do is go out to dinner at these white linen tablecloth places.”

Carlos didn’t know it, but those were all dates I’d been on with Mikhal and Jamie. Sometimes, Jamie and I went with a group, sometimes we went by ourselves, but it was always fun. Mikhal was an adventurer and a kid at heart. The first date I went on with Mikhal was to Top Golf. It gave us a chance to talk, do an activity, and enjoy ourselves. It was a lot of fun even though neither one of us was good at golf. Last week, Jamie took me axe throwing and while I was horrible at it, it was a lot of fun.

I still dealt with Carlos because I wasn’t looking for anything exclusive. He didn’t listen to me. He tried to buy me. I didn’t know the type of women he was used to dating, but I’d never be impressed with money. It had to be deeper than that for me. But since we were just passing the time, I dealt with it. I was careful not to accept his expensive gifts because I didn’t want to give him to think he was impressing me.

“I see.”

Dating three men at once forced me to create a system of who I saw when and how often. Mikhal was only available on the weekends he didn’t have his kids and the occasional weekday. Jamie was free most weekends since he worked twelve-hour shifts during the week. And Carlos worked part-time in the mornings, leaving him free for lunch, dinner, and almost every weekend. By default, I spent the most time with Carlos because he had the most availability but during wedding season, my weekends were almost non-existent. I had events almost every weekend until after Labor Day.

The rest of our date was almost silent which was fine by me because it was like talking to a brick wall. I was grateful when he dropped me off at my apartment and I toyed with the idea of cutting him from my roster, but instead, I decided to be less available for him. Besides, I didn’t want to get anyone else acclimated to the way I dated. I’ve seen the way some men behaved when they found out I was talking to other men. I’ve been called a hoe, a gold digger, insecure, and a low-value woman just because I chose to date more than one man at a time.

The next morning at work, I sipped a green tea while listening to Terryn go over our weekly updates. She was not a micromanager; I would be if my name was on the door, but these powwows were just a check-in for us. Terryn believed that if she hired you for a job, she shouldn’t have to constantly check behind you. We could be running in a million different directions and I appreciated this time with the whole team.

“Naomi and Devon, great job on the Taylor wedding. Madelyn left a glowing review and asked that I make sure you’re available for her baby shower in the next few years,” Terryn announced. Everyone laughed while the silent look between Devon and me revealed that we were not quite prepared for having to deal with someone like Madelyn again. She was a sweetheart and our issue was not with her, it was with her mother and mother-in-law who questioned all of Madelyn’s choices. We had to fight tooth and nail to give Madelyn the wedding she wanted even though her parents and mother-in-law were paying for it. “Are we ready for the Expo?”

“Yes,” I answered. “Devon and I have everything set and ready to go.”

“Me, too,” chimed in Alana, another team member who also did weddings. We had completely different styles so I never saw Alana as my competition and welcomed her suggestions.

“Great! Let’s drive up some business and make connections with new vendors. You know I like to have options!” Terryn said before giving final updates and dismissing us. Rather she dismissed herself while some of us stayed behind to chitchat since we didn’t always get to see each other.   

“Alright, I’m hungry now,” I announced not being able to fight away my hunger pangs anymore. We’d moved on from work and started talking about the drama of Married to Medicine. “What are you doing for lunch today?”

“Gotta run some errands for my Granny,” Devon informed me. As much as I loved his Granny, I didn’t want to run all over Atlanta for my lunch break. Terryn wasn’t strict about our time in and out of the office, but we knew not to take advantage of it.

“I’ll see you later then,” I called, heading to my office to grab my bag. Just as I was backing up, a car parked directly behind me. I was about to go off because why would this person park behind me? And not even in a parking space? “Excuse me…”

I was surprised to see Carlos getting out of the back of a car which I assumed was an Uber. I didn’t expect to see him since he didn’t send me his usual ‘Good morning beautiful! Have a good day on purpose’ text this morning.

“Glad I caught you,” he grinned. I returned a smile and I knew he couldn’t tell it was fake. “Let me take you to lunch.”

If he wasn’t staring directly into my face I would have rolled my eyes. But I couldn’t so I did the next best thing. Lie. “I can’t. I have some errands to run.”

The smile fell from his face and he did nothing to hide his disappointment. “I have a surprise for you though.”

I wanted to tell him I’d take a raincheck, but the genuine distress in his voice forced me to turn off my ignition and get into the rideshare with him. I texted Devon to let him know I was with Carlos so he wouldn’t panic when he saw my car in the parking lot and I wasn’t in the office. He’d put an APB out on me. Within minutes we were in Piedmont Park and my curiosity was growing stronger by the second. I followed him to the picnic area, my steps slowing down the closer we got to an elaborate picnic set up under a tree. The décor was stunning and I was beyond impressed. A large pink and gold blanket was the backdrop for the elegant design. The only thing out of place were the two boxes of Popeye’s chicken on the table that was decorated with a gold tablecloth, pink and gold table runner, and other accents. Carlos gestured towards an oversized plush pillow and I sat down.

“Wow!” I had no other words for this.

Carlos joined me at the table grinning from ear to ear. “Do you like it?”

“Yes, it’s beautiful!” I was so very impressed with his gesture. Sure, the setup was a bit fancy, but he made it casual with Popeye’s my favorite fast-food chicken restaurant.

“I just wanted to show you I listen to you,” Carlos began. “I assumed I knew what you wanted and I treated you like the other women I dated. They liked the fancy restaurants and bags and you’re not that type of woman. Not to say you don’t like nice things, but I did what I thought you liked without considering if that’s what you liked. So, I’m sorry.”

I nodded, not sure what to say. Just when I thought I could count him out, Carlos was listening to me for a change.

“I realize I didn’t ask if this was something you wanted, but I had to do something grand to get back in your good graces,” he grinned.

“This is really nice,” I gushed.

“I like spending time with you and I want you to enjoy spending time with me. Our next date will be something fun. When you’re free, I want to take you to Andretti’s.”

My smile widened at his thoughtfulness. He was making an effort. And I was truly impressed.

Carlos and I spent our picnic talking and eating. This was the first time I truly felt like he was listening to me when I talked, especially about my job. He asked questions for clarity and seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. He also had a sense of humor that he kept hidden for some reason. This was a different side to him and I wondered why he didn’t introduce me to this version of him first.

Honestly, I’m glad he didn’t because I probably would have been smitten with him.

My cell rang with Devon’s number asking what time I’d be back because he wanted to schedule a consultation for this afternoon. I was reluctant to tell him I’d be back soon because I was having a good time with Carlos.

“Let me get you back to work.”

Carlos dropped me off and I almost floated into the building.

“Not my boy Carlos sending you back with the big Kool-Aid smile!” Devon began when I got back to my office. “Ooooo girl, spill it!”

“Well, he took me on a picnic.”

“A picnic? Like…”

“Like a picnic. It was a whole set up, you know blanket, table, décor and…Popeye’s.”

“You love that greasy ass chicken!” Devon cackled.

I joined Devon in laughing, although my smile was just as much from Carlos’ surprise lunch. “It wasn’t just the picnic…we talked. Like for real talked. He actually listened to me for a change.”

“Does this mean he’s earned his spot back?”

I shrugged, unwilling to admit that Carlos just put himself at the top of my roster.

Part IV

In a weird turn of events, Carlos was becoming one of my favorite men to spend time with. Our dates went from stuck-up and predictable to fun and spontaneous. He was reaching the level Jamie and Mikhal had been on since day one. He was playing catch-up and I wasn’t complaining at all.

It was so tempting to spend more time with Carlos, but I had a roster for a reason. Even though he was more intentional in spending time with me, I still made time for Jamie and Mikhal. And myself as well. It was Thursday night and I had options, but I was spending my night at home, watching TV in a moo-moo and eating fruit.

I paused Insecure, my current comfort show, when my phone vibrated beside me. Jamie’s name flashed across my screen which surprised me because he was usually in bed by now.

 “Hello?”

“What’s up?” he asked in a casual tone.

“Nothing much. Why ain’t you in the bed?”

“I took off tomorrow. You want some company?”

“Sure,” I agreed without giving it a second thought. Yes, tonight was me-time but I hadn’t seen Jamie in a minute.

I hopped in the shower to prepare for my company and almost an hour later, Jamie was sitting on my sofa. He was the only man who was allowed to come to my house and he always brought a comfortable vibe whenever he was in my space. And tonight he also brought me a slice of strawberry crunch cheesecake from his niece. I loved her desserts, this cheesecake being my favorite.

“I don’t know what she does, but why is this so good?” I questioned taking large bites of my dessert.

“She wouldn’t even let me pay for it once I told her it was for you. You know how she rocks with you,” Jamie laughed.

“Now you know I’m going to send her something. She deserves to be paid for what she does.” I met his niece a few months ago by accident. I was standing outside waiting for Jamie to open the door when she walked up. I went on the defensive for a second, but once I rationalized the situation, I realized she was just a kid. We chatted for a second and Jamie asked me to taste the dessert she brought. She was shy about it but had no reason to be. The girl could bake her ass off.

“I’m sure she will appreciate it,” Jamie acknowledged. “So how was your day?”

“It was cool. Have a vow renewal this weekend that is stressing me out. They had an elaborate wedding 25 years ago, but she’s in competition with herself from 25 years ago. And her poor husband just goes along with anything his wife wants. I know you can find damn near anything in Atlanta, but she wants a 6-foot ice sculpture of them for the reception.”

“Planning a wedding with my ex was outrageous. I wanted to say fuck it and just go to the courthouse cause she wanted a damn show, not a wedding. Glad I dodged that bullet,” he chuckled. “But that’s wild for a renewal.”

“Think you’ll ever get married?” I asked polishing off my cheesecake. I knew I was going to have to get Jamie to get his niece to make me something else. I’d just have to add extra time to my workout to work off the calories.

Jamie nodded his head. “I’m not looking for it, but I’m not totally against it.”

It surprised me to hear him say that. When we first met, we bonded over our hurt. He was a few months away from wedded bliss when he found out his fiancé was sleeping with another man. Where I was not open to anything stable, and certainly not marriage, Jamie’s admission was different from when we met; he used to sing ‘these hoes ain’t loyal’ with his whole chest.

“But,” he continued, “I don’t want a wedding. I don’t want to focus more on the wedding than the marriage. I don’t want to spend the next 40 or 50 years of my life with someone who will brag about an ice sculpture and not our actual marriage,” he reasoned.

I laughed, but I understood. “Tell me about it. Details matter, but that’s why they should hire me…I handle the details. I had a bride who almost had a full meltdown because she thought people would criticize her entire wedding because of the size of the shrimp in the shrimp salad.”

“You for real? Shrimp? Shrimp is what had her buggin’?”

“Yep, shrimp!” I chuckled, remembering the stress Sienna caused me. “If you aren’t writing off the possibility of marriage, have you started dating?”

When I told Jamie I was dating other people, I couldn’t read his reaction. I didn’t expect him to care, but where Carlos was upset and Mikhal was a little taken aback, Jamie didn’t say much. I didn’t ascribe to zodiac signs because I believed that people used them as excuses. But Jamie was a true Capricorn; he was all about business and his emotions were very rarely seen.

“I don’t have time. I work too much,” he said.

“Yet, you make time for me,” I smirked, ready to blow holes in his logic.

“Cause I want to.”

His words weren’t unfamiliar, he’s told me he makes time for what he wants, but something about his tone was different. Yes, Jamie and I had sex, really, really good sex, but I would also consider him a friend. We could talk about anything, laugh, and we had a great time anytime we were together. His words, and the way he said them felt like they held a deeper meaning. Or maybe I was just tripping and overanalyzing.

But…I did have to admit, it was a little strange that Jamie wasn’t talking to other women. The man was fine. His slim body was toned and he looked like a walking billboard for a tattoo artist. If he wanted a new tat, he’d be hard-pressed to find room on his body. He had sexy bedroom eyes, full, kissable lips, and great sex. Amazing sex. Other than the physical, he was low-key, didn’t like crowds, loved his family, and was a real gentleman, except when he was blowing my back out. Any woman who snagged him would have a prize. He could be knocking down women left and right, but he wasn’t. One of our agreements when we started this was to be honest if we wanted to end it, sleep with other people, or if we were to become serious with other people. In the time we’d been sleeping together, he only told me about a few women, finding something wrong with all of them. He sounded like me when I first moved to Atlanta. I told him all about my situation with Jarrell and he told me he appreciated my honesty when I told him I was dating other men.

“Well,” I began standing up and stretching. “I have an early day tomorrow.”

“Conversation over, huh?” Jamie smirked and took his cue to head to my bedroom. I made sure my door was locked and my alarm was set before joining him.

In my room, Jamie pulled me into him, looking down at me for a second before moving in to kiss me. I’ve kissed him plenty of times, even though I felt like kissing was an intimate act that should be reserved for people you had an emotional connection with. But everything about this felt different.

The way he undressed me, the way he kissed my body, the way he talked to me when he rubbed my clit and brought me to my first orgasm, and the way he moved inside of me. It wasn’t sex; I felt like he was making love to me. Even after we were done, he wrapped his arms around me and held me until he fell asleep. Sometimes we spent the night with each other, other times, we went back to our respective homes. Tonight, him staying felt…right.

I was in bliss, utter bliss after the way he made me feel. But, at the same time, I could not quiet that voice questioning if Jamie was feeling something more than this friendship.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Devon interrupted me. “What do you mean it was different?”

To celebrate making it through the vow renewal, which turned out to be beautiful and worth the stress she caused Devon, Stephen, and I were having a late dinner and drinks at a lounge not too far from the venue. After my second drink, I started telling Devon about my night with Jamie.

“I don’t know,” I mumble, playing around in the spinach dip to avoid looking at him. “It wasn’t our usual ‘let me remind you what this dick does’ session. It was…different.”

I really could not put the ‘different’ into words, other than it was not the same sex we’d been having. It was intimate, passionate…different. 

“And what’s the problem?” Stephen asked. I had no qualms about talking in front of Stephen. I often told him he was in the wrong field as a dean at a college. He should have been a therapist because he gives great advice. He told me he could never be a therapist because he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from saying ‘bitch, what?’

“What does it mean? Like…why did he do that?” I whined. It had been days and the sex was still on my mind. Of course, I thought about him after the fact because the man could put it down, but these thoughts were not just about the sex. I was thinking about him as a person. “I felt…his feelings? I don’t know. It wasn’t the same.”

“How long have ya’ll been friends with benefits?” Stephen asked.

“Some months,” I added up the time in my head. “About six.”

“And in that time, you never considered making it more?”

I shook my head. “I was still getting over Tez. And then the situation with Jarrell was new. And the situation with his ex was recent, a couple of months earlier, so we were content to just have sex.”

“But now it’s different?” Stephen questioned. “When did you notice the difference?”

“Since last night and…” my voice trailed off before I could finish my thought. I did a quick check of Jamie’s behavior. I creased my brow when I realized it didn’t start last night. He tried to see me more often. Our dates were a lot of fun, he catered to me. He checked on me after a wedding or a long day. And I didn’t notice it at first, but all this started when I added Mikhal to the roster.

“Ok, girl, you think about it. We’ll be back.”

Devon and Stephen were drawn to the dance floor by Beyonce’s Love on Top. Watching them made me smile. They had so much fun together and it seemed like they were more like best friends than a couple. Their relationship was not all baby this and baby that and talks of romanticism. It was a friendship, a partnership. And I wanted that.

 Other than his aversion to being faithful, Tez and I weren’t friends. I focused on him and he focused on everyone and everything except me. We weren’t a team, trying to build a life together. But I was naïve, wanting the relationship more than he did and it showed. Had that chick never messaged me, I’d probably still be there, forcing myself to accept his piss-poor excuse for love.

I didn’t want to count the farce of a relationship with Jarrell, but he showed me what it felt like to have a partner. He just turned out to be another lying asshole.

Stephen’s question lingered on my mind, even when Jamie asked if I wanted to go bowling with him and some of his cousins. I didn’t hesitate to say yes, mostly because we wouldn’t be alone. And because I’ve hung out with his cousins before and always had a blast.

We divided the team as men against women, no one really caring who won once alcohol was involved. It was hilarious and entertaining to try to bowl while intoxicated.

“Girl, when you gonna stop playing and be my cousin-in-law?”

Jamie’s cousin Carla was the oldest one in the group and got drunk the fastest. We already knew to cut her off after the second margarita.

“What do you mean?” I giggled at her slurring her words and leaning on me. The drinks were strong, but Carla was a lightweight.

“Don’t play, Nay!” Carla chastised, feeling like she had to talk over the music and clamoring of bowling pins even though she was sitting close to me and I could hear her fine. “You know that boy likes you!”

“We’re just friends, Carla. I tell you that all the time.”

“Ok just friends,” she said, trying to stand. I reached out a hand to steady her. “I can see the way he looks at you. And the way you look at him. Plus, he don’t bring no one around. Just you.”

I took in Carla’s words which only added to my confusion about things feeling different with him. He didn’t seem to mind me dating Carlos, probably because I told him our dates were not my speed. But when I told him about Mikhal, he seemed…confused? I’m not sure what it was. I didn’t go into detail about my dates, but I did let them know that I wouldn’t be available because I was on a date with someone else. I guess I didn’t notice a change in Jamie because he wasn’t applying pressure; he was being himself.

“So, Carla tells me I’m the only person you bring around the family,” I giggled after we left the bowling alley and the Waffle House. The greasy breakfast soaked up most of the liquor but I still felt good.

Maybe because you’re alone with Jamie…

“I don’t know why we let her drink,” Jamie said with faux anger. “She’s the last person you’d want around if you committed a crime. She can’t hold water, especially when she drinks.”

It wasn’t lost on me that he didn’t deny what she said.

“You know how families can be. Can’t bring too many folks around because then they’ll start to talk about you.”

“Actually, I don’t know how families are. I’m not close to them.”

“How aren’t you close with your family? Don’t you live with your brother?”

“Kind of hard to be close to them when no one will ever let us forget that my daddy killed my mama, then himself.”

As soon as I saw the shocked expression on his face, I regretted speaking so casually about my parent's demise.

“Yo, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. Why didn’t you ever say anything? I mean…I get that’s not something you want to talk about, but damn. That’s some heavy shit.”

“I was six at the time. I remember some of it, but I’ve blocked a lot of it out. My brother Nate is a few years older than me and filled in some details, but it was a really difficult situation for a six-year-old. One day, me, my brother and sisters were at home with our parents and then, we were with different relatives. I don’t even really remember the funerals.”

“Wow, Nay, I had no idea.”

I couldn’t explain why I was being so free with telling Jamie about my past; I never discussed it. I usually told people my parents died, leaving out the details. But something about him made me feel safe.

Anything I planned to say was lost because Jamie’s lips were on mine. He led me to his bedroom and made to love to me, bringing tears to my eyes. It felt like he was trying to make me forget about my past and all the hurt I’ve endured. It was such a sweet and tender moment, one that I didn’t want to end.

I started a roster to keep my feelings at bay so I wouldn’t get hurt again. Yet, Carlos and now Jamie had me considering if rotational dating was really what I wanted.

Part V

Once again, Devon, Stephen, and I were relaxing after an event, this time a retirement party that ended up being a lot of fun. I loved the way the family showered the guest of honor with gifts and kind words. It wasn’t until we left that I began to wonder about who my parents were, who they would have been. Opening up to Jamie left me curious about them, so I’d been talking to my brother and sisters. My older sisters Natalie and Nairobi had nothing but disdain for our father. They were 15 and 13 at the time and they saw a lot more. The way he drank, the way they fought, how mama tried to leave countless times. By the time me and Nate were born, Nat said he didn’t drink as much. We got a much different version of our father than they did.

Learning about the tumultuous childhood my sisters endured and the resentment they carried was heavy. So, having drinks at Diamond Ultra Bar and Lounge in Midtown was as much to unwind from the retirement party as it was to unwind from talking about my parents with my siblings.

“Hey, I thought that was you.”

I was sitting alone because Devon and Stephen were on the dance floor doing the latest line dance. I declined to join them because I wasn’t the best dancer. I was not expecting to run into anyone I knew, but a big smile spread across my face when Mikhal slid into the booth next to me.

“Hey! What are you doing here? Isn’t this a 3M weekend?” I questioned, giving him a quick side hug. The scent of his cologne captured me and I didn’t immediately move away from him. He always smelled so damn good.

“It was supposed to be, but Lani is spending the week with her grandparents, and MJ and his mom went to the beach.”

As much as he relished the time with his kids, he was extremely accommodating to their mothers. I thought he was still sleeping with one or both of his baby mamas, but he assured me nothing was going on with them. They were just able to put the needs of their kids first. Even his baby mama’s got along. It seemed far-fetched, but I didn’t concern myself with that since we were just kicking it.

“So a free weekend, huh?”

“Something like that. I was going to see what you had going on, but I remembered you had an event this weekend so I’m here with a co-worker.”

“We’re here celebrating making it through even though it was not as stressful as other events,” I grinned and he smiled back. His smile was one of the first things that attracted me to him because physically, he was not my type. I was usually attracted to slim or muscular guys. It was something about a man with abs and muscles that just did something to me. But Mikhal was on the chunky side. And tall. He was like a big, chocolate teddy bear with perfectly white teeth hidden in his full beard.

Breathlessly, Devon and Stephen made it back to our booth and I made introductions, well for Stephen because Mikhal and Devon have met a few times when he stopped by the office with lunch or dinner if we were working late. The four of us talked like old friends and I was sure Devon forgot he was not a fan of Mikhal as we had a light-hearted debate about new-school and old-school music. All of us were about the same age, but when it came to music, Mikhal was an old soul. I didn’t know many 30-year-olds who listened to Barry White and the Isley Brothers. And not just the popular songs; he knew songs I’d never heard before.

“Aye man, this place isn’t my speed, you ready to bounce?”

The guy standing near our table was talking to Mikhal but was cutting his eyes at Devon and Stephen who were not hiding the fact that they were together. I hated to stereotype people but he looked like he favored those ghetto, hole-in-the-wall joints with weak air conditioning, and the DJ playing nothing but mumble rap.

“Pull up a chair. I’m trying to school these folks on the brilliance of Babyface!”

Mikhal didn’t notice his friend’s face, but I did. And I truly hoped I was wrong about him, but I could put two and two together to figure out his disdain.

“Man hell nah!”

The anger in his voice caused Mikhal to finally look in his direction. His reaction told me he didn’t like what he saw or heard. “Aye man, chill out with all that.”

“Man, what the fuck ever! You can sit here with these damn punks if you want to! I don’t get down like that!”

I was right about him, and my eyes went wide at his words. In a flash, Stephen was up, about to get in this guy’s face.

“Say that shit again and I will beat your ass!” Stephen warned.

Mikhal jumped into action, standing between the two of them. “Yo, what the fuck is wrong with you? They ain’t said or did shit to you!”

“I don’t give a damn! I don’t rock like that!”

“Rock like what?” Devon asked seemingly unbothered. “You don’t talk? Socialize? Drink?”

“Not with them!’

“Take your homophobic ass on somewhere!” Stephen spat. This guy was bringing out a side of Stephen I’d never seen before.

Devon grabbed Stephen’s hand, trying to pull him back down. “You know what they say babe…the men who hate us the most are secretly trying to be with us.”

 I snickered and Mikhal did nothing to hide his amusement. “Yo, E, he ain’t wrong. Ain’t no way you should be this bent out of shape over sitting down and having a conversation. But if I’m not mistaken they are engaged and not looking for a third.”

E’s eyes bucked and danced wildly between us. He tried to defend himself but his words came out choppy, making me believe what Devon and Mikhal insinuated might have some truth to it. I truly did not understand the logic of men who believe sexuality could be passed around like the flu. I was so glad he left because that conversation could have resulted in someone getting hurt.

Mikhal and Devon had a good laugh, while Stephen was still livid and I was embarrassed.

“My bad ya’ll,” Mikhal apologized. “He just started a week or so ago and I was trying to show buddy the city. I ain’t know dude was like that.”

Even with the apology, Stephen was still riled up and Devon took him home. I could only imagine how he was going to calm him down, but I couldn’t imagine how often Devon and Stephen had to deal with people like that. Or why they had to.

 “Thank you for standing up for them,” I praised once we were alone. I was somewhat surprised he didn’t sit on the sidelines and let Stephen and Devon handle this fight. Surprised and impressed.

“It’s cool. I’m an ally,” he smirked and I snickered. “Nah, but for real. Devon is cool and they didn’t deserve that shit. And they didn’t need me to be honest. I truly believe Stephen would have whipped his ass.”

I threw my head back and laughed loudly. Between the two of them, Stephen was the ‘knuck if you buck’ type. “You might be right. But again, thank you. It means a lot to me to know me and my friends are safe when we’re around you.”

“No problem, no problem,” Mikhal nodded, picking up his drink and I did the same. “So tell me. Where do I fall in your roster?”

I almost spit my drink out at his question. I grabbed a napkin to make sure I didn’t have any of my Georgia peach on my face. “What do you mean?”

“I’m saying…we’ve been kicking it for a few months and I know you got a couple of other cats on your roster. I’m trying to size up my competition, see how I can knock them off.”

It would have been comical had his expression not registered seriousness. “I mean…there isn’t a rank. I just see who I can based on our availability.”

“Ok. So how can I be number one? The only one?”

I was not prepared for this conversation, especially after the way Jamie made me feel. Or how Carlos was putting in major effort with me. But after the way he stood up for Devon and Stephen, checking his co-worker with no hesitation, I was certainly impressed.

I still had an aversion to relationships, not sure I could trust my heart to not lead me astray again. Since it was important to be honest when talking to more than one man, I let Mikhal know that I was not in a position to date anyone exclusively.

“I’m not ready for that. And I am not sure when I will be,” I admitted.

“What do you mean?”

The sincerity of his tone and the allure of his soft eyes made it easy for me to start talking. “I left a toxic relationship that I was in for almost four years. I lost myself in that relationship, lost my best friend too, because I neglected her trying to prove to him I was wife material. He hurt me deeply and I never wanted to feel that way again. But I did. I met a man wine and dine me, conveniently leaving out the fact that he had a wife and kids. Relationships aren’t for me.”

Mikhal was quiet before throwing the rest of his drink back. He was quiet for a little while longer and I wondered if he was planning his exit speech. I liked him, liked his personality, and the way he made me laugh. But I would be ok if he decided that was a little too much baggage for him to carry.

“I get being hurt,” he began. His eyes finally found mine and I got lost in his stare and the huskiness of his voice. “But, it’s not fair to me, you, or anyone else to have to carry the blame for their mistakes.”

“I know and you are right, but…I left most of everything in my apartment and drove to Atlanta to live in my brother’s basement. I’m trying to make the right decisions so that I never get that low again.”

“The only guarantee you will have in life is you will die and you will pay taxes. Other than that, life is a gamble,” Mikhal shrugged. “But know this, I’d be less of a man to know you’ve been hurt and then treat you the same, or worse. I’ve been single for a few years now and I’m ready to settle down, find my best friend, and teammate. I can’t decide for you; I can only show you I’m the man you should be with.”

By the time he finished talking, I wasn’t sure if I was even breathing. I’d only known Mikhal for a short time, but here he was professing his feelings for me. And we hadn’t even slept together. All the questions I had about my experience with Jamie were put to the back of my mind and I wondered if Mikhal was someone I could date exclusively and build a relationship with. He already had kids, but that wasn’t a deal breaker for me because he was far from a deadbeat dad. He was funny, had great conversation, he was an amazing father, and just tonight, he proved he was a protector.

Sex wasn’t the most important part of a relationship, but it mattered. My personal rule was that I didn’t need to sleep with a man to know if I liked him or not. If he could move me without sex, he was probably worth keeping around. But with things moving beyond casual dating, I felt I needed to test the waters.

“How about I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?” I asked, seemingly ignoring his declaration.

Mikhal smiled and bobbed his head. “That’s what’s up. What time should I come?”

“Whenever we wake up.”

Mikhal’s smile fell and was replaced by shock. He bit his bottom lip and I was caught up in the way his face transformed from happy-go-lucky to full of desire.

“Yo, Nay. You ain’t ready for that.”

His declaration piqued my interest and my stomach lurched in response. “Let me be the judge of that.”

“I’m telling you…you ain’t ready for that side of me.” Mikhal’s voice was raspy, almost a whisper.

The fact that he was telling me I wasn’t ready for it intrigued me even more. “We’ll see about that.”

*****

“The way that man be banging your back out, you might as well drop your roster and just deal with him. Cause damn girl…are you even walking? You are gliding. This bitch is gliding!”

I snorted out a laugh at Devon’s dramatics, plopping down at my desk. He wasn’t lying though. I didn’t feel like I was walking at all.

Devon sat in the chair opposite my desk and crossed his legs. “Ok, honey. It’s tea time. Spill it. What did Jamie do to have you floating?”

“It wasn’t Jamie,” I said breathlessly.

“Then who?” Mikhal asked. “Wait…Mikhal?”

I shut my eyes and nodded my head remembering the things he did to me. “He told me I wasn’t ready. He tried to tell me.”

“Giiiiirrrrlllll! What happened?” Devon was now perched on the edge of the chair.

“He’s nasty. So, so nasty,” I exhaled. “The things that man can do with his tongue defies logic.”

“Not nasty! With a capital N? You done snagged a freak, girl?”

Once again, I had to close my legs to stop the throbbing. “He had me running, climbing walls, cussing him out. I ain’t never had sex like that in my life!”

“Whew, chile!” Devon exclaimed, fanning himself dramatically.

My office phone interrupted our conversation and I grabbed a pen and a pad. I listened to the caller, then pulled up the calendar spreadsheet Devon and I shared. I motioned for him to come around my desk and I put the phone on speaker as we hashed out a meeting date with a new client.

I prided myself on being a multitasker, but when my cell phone chimed I absently opened the message only to see a short video of Mikhal stroking himself. I went into a coughing fit, choking on what, I don’t know. Devon had to cover the last few moments of the call, confirming the day and time of the consultation.

“Damn sis, the man is packing.”

I swung around in my chair to find Devon smirking. “You saw that?”

“Couldn’t miss it!”

Later that evening, I was sitting in a cozy, plush lounge chair, sipping a cocktail with Mikhal. The pool was shimmering from the lights strategically placed around the pool. The pool was only part of the expansive backyard. The fire pit, outdoor kitchen, bar, and huge flat-screen TV made this backyard an oasis. It didn’t feel like we were in Georgia anymore.

“This place is spectacular,” I gushed for the third or fourth time. “Does your cousin sell dope?” When Mikhal invited me to his cousin’s spot to get in the pool, I didn’t imagine all of this.

“He used to,” Mikhal chuckled and went on to clarify when he saw the surprised expression on my face.

“He’s an electrician now. And his wife is a nurse practitioner. They have no kids.”

“Damn…maybe I should have taken up a trade,” I surmised looking around at the back of the dark brick two-story house. I just knew the house was breathtaking inside, but we came in through the garage.

“Folks sleep on technical schools. Most programs are two years or less and you can come out with zero debt and a good-paying job.”

“You sound like the poster child for tech schools,” I giggled.

“I guess you can call me that,” he shrugged. “I played football my whole life, but in high school, I realized that while I was pretty good, I wasn’t good enough to play in college. Actually, I was tired of school altogether and couldn’t imagine doing another four years. I’ve always liked working with my hands so it just made sense. I took advantage of the low cost and I have a couple of trades under my belt…carpentry, construction, HVAC. It’s given me the flexibility to be available for my kids.”

“That’s pretty dope, especially how active you are with your kids,” I smiled.

“It should be normal, but I know it’s not. I never wanted my kids to grow up and think I didn’t care about them and their well-being. Especially my daughter. Her little world would be shattered if I didn’t come to every recital and soccer game.”

“Daddy’s girl, huh?”

“To the core.” We were quiet, taking in the peacefulness of the moment, the faint sounds of some 1960s R&B playing from the Bluetooth speaker.

“You want any more kids?” I asked, breaking the silence.

“I don’t know,” Mikhal admitted. “My answer could be considered selfish. I have a girl and a boy so I don’t necessarily need any more kids. But, if my future wife wants one or two, I wouldn’t be opposed to it.”

“Future wife, huh?”

Mikhal placed his Corona on the small table in between our two lounge chairs and swung his legs over so that he was facing me. “After MJ, I decided I didn’t want another baby mama. Those relationships didn’t work out and while I’m there for my kids, I’ve always wanted to live and raise my kids in the same house. I won’t have another baby mama.”

The passion in his voice was arousing and commanding, akin to the way he talked to me last night.

“Mikhal, you know that-“

“I know, I know,” he interrupted, “you’re not looking for a relationship right now. But after last night, I know I want more. Actually, I wanted more before you showed me you’d let me do whatever I want to you.”

My mind hovered on the things he did to my body for a second before taking in his words. “So, what are you saying? You don’t want to date anymore?”

“I’m not sure why we would continue…we have different wants. I know you’re dating for fun but I’m dating with intention. One of us will get our feelings hurt.”

My stomach dropped into my lap at the thought of not having Mikhal’s friendship. But I also understood where he was coming from. It would be selfish to string him along knowing I was terrified of falling in love again.

******

“Break-up sex? The man told you he wanted to end things, then you gave him some?” Devon practically yelled at me even though it was totally unnecessary because I was sitting next to him on his sofa. “And not just break-up sex, soul-snatching break-up sex?”

“Devooooooooon, please!” I groaned. I had no idea how sex with Mikhal could be better but somehow, it was. I couldn’t even explain it. I was at Devon’s and Stephen’s lamenting how my relationship with Mikhal ended with some of the best sex of my life.

“So, who’s better?” Stephen asked, totally invested in the drama of my life.

“Sexually? Mikhal. But there’s something about Jamie that’s amazing, too. Sex with Carlos was ok, not earth-shattering, but I’ve had better. And worse.”

“And non-sexually?”

That one was a lot harder to answer because all three of them had really great qualities. “Mikhal is a great father and he has a great sense of humor. Jamie is quiet and low-key. He works hard and tries to make sure everyone around him is taken care of. Money isn’t an object with Carlos, but he’s also listening to me and is supportive and encouraging. I told him something I needed and he listened.”

“What are you going to do now?” Stephen inquired.

What I was supposed to say was to replace Mikhal, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to replace him. “I don’t know!” I whined. “Dating more than one person was supposed to eliminate my stress, not add to it!”

“I told you from the jump not to be out here running around with these men to start with,” Devon fussed. “But nooooooo. Your ass is hard-headed!”

“Blaaaaaah!” I blurted out, not wanting to hear ‘I-told-you-so’ right now.

“No, but seriously honey, I know why you started this. I get it. But, people aren’t disposable and replaceable on a roster, especially when feelings get involved,” my friend said softly with a squeeze of my hand.

“If you had to pick right now, who would it be?” Stephen asked on the other side of Devon, his arm draped around his man.

I tried to put myself in their shoes, pretending I was Devon and I was giving relationship advice to a friend. I tried to picture who was leaning on me, showing me that my friends were his friends, showing me he cared by supporting me supporting my friends. Honestly, it could have been any of them. No one was standing out.

Mikhal was the most vocal about wanting me to himself. Carlos and Jamie were subtler, showing me with their actions. I felt like I could be happy in a relationship with any of them, but would I be ok if I had to cut two of them off and be exclusive to one man?

“I have no idea!”